Calculus & the art of Calculating

Word Count: 1337
Content: Inflammatory

I have to talk about Newtonian Mathematics here !

Tried applying Calculus to everyday life and the results were very exciting (Its like the statement sceintists make when trying a new poison on guinea pigs and they still dont die - in medico language, its called the Alpha test).

For those ignorant of differential & integral calculus, this would atleast enable them some appreciation of what Newton did when he was born in 1642 (the year Galileo died) till he died in 1689. When you differentiate something with something (assume the 1st something as X and the other something as Y) - something like comparing Y with X, with Y in the numerator and X in the denominator- like saying how much financially sound I would be - then I would be Y and you are trying to differentiate me with money, which would be X - the result of Me divided by X would give you a factor (am trying really to simplify things,actually its much much more complicated than this) which would enable you to approve/disapprove my credit worthiness!

Newton invented this method because he suffered from myopia. He couldn't see things that were distant and hidden - am talking metaphysically also, so keep that window open. Things which were warped, which gave 3 answers to one question(something like the equation Y = X^3) made him very nervous. He couldn't take what should be the right answer - quite difficult no, what to accept as the answer. So he tried to divide the problem that life posed into very small time intervals, say break it down to every single second, keeping other things constant - so that he could understand what caused the anomaly that gave rise to 3 bloody different answers. He thus gave us logical thinking, and things have been straight since 1642. Not a single day was problem. Yeah we still have 3 answers to so many situations - but now you have the weapon to decide which answer to choose. Like say how would a girl choose from say 5 different prospective bride grooms (this stat was published in the TOI - about the average number of optionsgirls have). In this case, simply keep every candidate's baldness and waistline constant (assume) and see how much one earns, then keep earnings constant and differentiate between them on looks, then keep looks constant and decide who could be the best coverup for the boyfriend you just ditched. This way you go on and presto - you choose the perfect bride groom - Courtesy Issac Newton - and this process is called partial differentiation - just in case anybody asked you what it means. You can go on adding any thing you want, and you can differentiate anything on any parameter - from as pertinent a question like Atal Behari Vajapyee's speech differentiated with the color of Dhoti he wears on a day to the most ludicrous question of preferring personal interests above commitments.

Newton realised that this process would be mostly used by women. men didn't have the intellect to go into such details. They just looked at a girl's face before saying yeah or neah. Statistics go beyond and show us that guys seldom ask girls about their previous love life before getting into one. You all know about girls. So, the point was that Newton realised that 'mankind' needed some relief from women who were ready to tear apart their life into every abominable second of humiliation. They needed some salvation from womankind. He invented integration.

History confirms the importance of integration. Every political statement, realignment, unification, even music concerts (remember spirit of unity concerts on DD I on sundays - when we were really really small) would talk of integration. now you understand.

It is how it goes. You integrate a variable, call it X, w.r.t Y. Like the earlier example, assume I am X and say again that Y is any other parameter with which you would like to integrate me - say say job satisfaction ! (topical, ain't it)

Now basically, what integration does is that it gathers all that small small seconds that differentiating women have split your life into, arrange it into a meaningful pattern. Just quite the opposite of what women do to you. Newton believed that doing so adds lot of value in your life, it creates meaning out of your 60 second existences between woman to woman or moments thereof. In a sense, it adds a constant to your life, irrespective of the tearing apart that differentiation does to you. This is quite a metaphysical process. Mathematically it is called indefinite integration. Not much of use for career orientation, but great value add when you try and judge the value of love, marriage, wife, parents and friends in your life


The biggest gain comes when you try to integrate your life between two bounds. I shall explain it using the job satisfaction as parameter. This process, is called Definite Integration (assume I am X and job satisfaction is Y and that my present job is in Britannia and say I aspire to join Lehman Brothers, Cayman Islands - yeah know they are not based there, but what the heck its just an example).

The process would look like

(jetsam-floatsam)d(job satisfaction)Lehman - (jetsam-floatsam)d(job satisfaction)Britannia

woof, anyways lets make it a bit more grammatical

XdYLehman - XdYBritanniaAs you can clearly see, there are obvious comparisons between Britannia & Lehman. You can get more mundane and try and compare financial status, social life, good looking wife etc as well. On a deeper note, it would help you get over previous girl friend and into present girl friend, and it would also help you evaluate whether you got a good or bad deal with your girlfriend. In case you got PPCD (as someone had memorised it, Its Post Purchase Cognitive Dissonance - applicable in many real life situations) then you could opt for PPCDR (Post Purchase Cognitive Dissonance Reduction) through Indefinite integration - caution - it might through up options like VRS, settling in the Himalayas etc. Make sure you have enough warm clothes. Else try definite integral and another girl friend .

Newton died 313 years ago. As mathematicians worldwide would concur (again no doubting Thomasses, its been statistically proven so as not to give your brains the pain to think) differentiation is much more easier than integration. Not demeaning womankind, but its very simple to tear apart anyone's life, by comparing this with that, by trying and measuring immeasurable things, yes it would give you answers but wont tell you whether its good or bad for you. sometimes it defies common sense. It says that you can straighten a curvaceous thing into a straight line, just by cutting it into smaller and smaller fragments - it doesnt read that you are questioning the existence of that curve and its meaning. Its like twisting something too much. As all engineering students would tell you of the disastrous results when the sheer modulus is very high. It causes things to break down. It can be anyday applied to life.

We are in this world to integrate. We have a short life span. You would be cursing yourself if you live beyond 65. Its too short to try and create dissonance, in anyone's life. we are here to make a mark, to leave behind something that people to come will appreciate, something that would stand for you even when you are not there. May be if you are reborn you would be happy only to see people talking about you in a positive note. Its easy to say that people's opinion do not matter, Its fashionable to say that I dont give it a shit anymore, but is that actually true. I hope am talking to people who have this conscience which doesn't let them sleep over a wrongdoing. Its a short life, and we do not live long. Lets not differentiate, lets try and integrate.

Time is running out on you.